My childhood was unusual and even though I attended counselling in my twenties and again in my thirties to try to understand why I have the desires I have I was never completely convinced by the opinion provided by the psychiatrists. Looking back, I think I would have been better served by seeing a counsellor who specialized in fetishes and gender confusion.
While we generally cannot accurately remember our lives prior to
age four or five I was able to piece together those first few years in my early
20's based on photo albums I discovered when my mother moved away and
inadvertently forgotten about a small box containing photo albums that helped explain
the early years. More on those albums in a future blog post.
I had a very inattentive father who was rarely home as he
travelled extensively for work and worked long hours. When he was a round, he
was very distant and was more concerned about his interests and spending time
at his golf club. I recall my mother being extremely attentive and incredibly
involved in my life and she guided me in a different direction than the mothers
of the few neighborhood boys I knew.
I recall even at a young age I was more attracted to girl's toys
and dolls than the traditional boy toys. I had long blond hair preschooler
early primary years and was very slight. I had vague recollections of being encouraged
to explore interests that were more suited to girls than rambunctious young
boys. While there were some traditional
boy toys I the house there were more suited for young girls or even toddlers.
My mother was very much a traditional housewife. The home was her
castle and she loved to cook, tend to the housework in the garden and loved to
sew. She was very particular about neatness and cleanliness. Throughout my childhood
I tended to have wetting “accidents” and as a result in my dresser there was
always a stack of cloth diapers and plastic pants. My mom would diaper me every
evening after dinner. I recall never objecting and enjoying the bulkiness and
especially the feeling and sound of the plastic pants. Being the late 1960’s
and 1970’s cloth diapers were still used.
Since my mom loved to sew, she made most of my clothing and I remember often being teased by boys in the neighborhood because the clothing looked different than theirs and had more of a little boy look to it and often some outfits looked more little girlish than for a boy. She often sewed dresses for friend’s young daughters and there were times she would put them on me so that she could check the length and how it looked. You would think that a boy of 4 to 6 would have no part of it but I remember not minding since I liked spending time with her.
I distinctly recall my mother asking me one day if I enjoyed
wearing the dresses and if I would like to dress like a little girl around the
house. I nodded that I did, and she gave me the biggest hug. She asked me what
kind I liked the most and I recall pointing to a pink little girl’s party dress
that was very full skirted and frilly that was hanging on a rack waiting to be
picked up by her friend.
It was not long before dresses and other little girl clothing
began to appear in my closet and my mom added a small white dresser to my room
that she put other little girl clothing into.
At
the beginning I was a little hesitant to put on a dress and I remember my mom
gently encouraging me and reassuring me that it was okay for boys to dress like
a girl.
She
told me that this would be something special just between us and that no one
else need to know.
Initially
I would just wear a dress when she need to check the sizing or hem length. It
probably was many months before I took the initiative to dress up because I
remember one day opening the drawer of the white dresser and it now contained tights,
frilly socks and ruffled underpants which I learned later were called rhumba
panties.
I
dressed up on my own one evening after being teased by some neighborhood kids.
I remember feeling relief and escaping the bullying from the other kids. I
settle down and played with some of my favorite toys while dressed up in the
frilliest dress in the closet.
So it
began............
