Teenage Years Chapter 4 Part 8 (Witnessing Sex for the First Time)

Growing up my father was not around for the dreaded “talk” about sex and now at age 17 or 18 my naivety and confusion were not difficult to understand during this pre-internet time and understanding of gender identity was still many years away. Looking back my mother was generations ahead of her time when it came to not pushing me towards having interests that were specifically male and naturally the whole issue of dress and deportment. She believed in letting me act, dress and behave in the gender of my choosing.

At the time I was dating Elise, but I was beginning to realize that my feelings towards her were not in the boyfriend/girlfriend way. Our clumsy sexual touching felt more like experimentation for me and to be honest I didn’t feel comfortable in the typical male position of being the perpetrator or aggressor in the sexual relationship. Not knowing it at the time I think I was more comfortable being the one in the female role or the one being touched and groped.

The timing of this partial awakening coincided with my mother beginning to date a pastor from our church and for the first time in years there was a male presence in my life. Early on my mom suggested he take me out golfing one afternoon so we could get to know each other. I had played a little in the past usually just knocking the ball around the yard or at a local driving range. T turned out that I was a natural at golf and in a very short period of time I became very good and was shooting in the low 80’s and 70’s. Good enough o be on the school golf team which Pastor Eric encouraged me to join.

I don’t really remember my father being around much while I was growing up, he was busy travelling for business and when he was home my parents did their own thing and ignored each other. When my parents were still together there was never any outward signs of intimacy to each other, and I never heard them in their bedroom.

My parents were not affectionate towards each other, but Pastor Eric was extremely affectionate with my mother when he came over on weekends and one or two evenings a week. They were constantly holding hands; he would whisper into her ear and she would giggle or blush.

My mom also would always dress very nicely and that was always a clue that they would be going out on a date, or he would be coming over. I also noticed during my forays into my mother’s lingerie drawers and the laundry hamper that she now was wearing fancier and prettier lingerie.

When they were side by side, he would often squeeze her bottom when he thought I was not looking and other times when I was I the other room I could hear him give my mom’s bum a sharp slap and she would playfully say something. Even when they watched TV or just sat on the sofa together, they were always side by side and his hand was on her thigh and sometimes I spotted it up higher and inching under the hem of her dress. Mom would playfully push his hand away, but I still noticed it and what usually transpired was that soon she would tell me that it was time for bed even if it was not that late.

She would tell me that if I went to my bedroom I could stay up and read which I agreed to but I was not reading I was flipping through the stash of catalogues I hid under my bed with one hand and stroking myself in my diapers with the other and I would soon drift off to sleep

I was so unbelievably naïve at age 18 that the first time I was awakened in my room to the sound of my mother’s bed, which shared a common wall with my room in our small house, banging against the wall, the bedsprings squeaking loudly and the sound of my mother moaning. I actually got out of bed went to my mother’s bedroom door opened it and stood there in shock at the sight of my naked mother on all fours and Pastor Eric thrusting his penis into my mother over and over. 

The very first time I watched them having sex from the dark hallway I was caught and that lead to a very embarrassing and frank discussion about sex from my mother. It was not a clinical discussion but rather about how couples enjoy sex and some of the things they enjoy which are all part of a relationship.

I know it sounds bizarre and creepy, but I was fascinated by the sounds of them having sex. You would have thought that the fact I was caught spying on them would end my voyeuristic desires, but it had the opposite effect. Since my bedroom door was open and our home was quite small, I could hear them chatting and giggling in the living room. It was not long before the chatting stopped, and I could hear soft moans and the sound of kissing. Soon after I could hear them go into my mom’s room and the sounds were much louder. They always had sex with the bedside lamp on and the door partially open. When I started to hear the bed squeak and the headboard banging against the wall I would sneak out of my room and peek into their room from the dark hallway. The way the bed was situated in relation to the door made it that I was slightly behind them, so they could not easily see me.

They almost always had sex doggie style and Pastor Eric would make love to her very aggressively. He would grab her bum, her breasts and sometimes her hair as he made love to her. He would tell her what to do and physically flip her over to change positions. I found this so exciting especially when she was on her back and he would kiss her as he pumped his cock into her.

Oral sex confused me and frightened me again he was always quite aggressive and almost demanding. He would hold her head as she sucked him and often it looked like she was making love to her mouth.

Soon after my mom stopped seeing Pastor Eric and she dated and brought home a wide variety of mostly older men. It would be an understatement to say she had an active love life, she would quietly tell me to go to my room but within 10 minutes I would quietly sneak out of my room and peer down from the top of the stairs into the living room below and watch her and her boyfriend kiss, fondle each other and invariably she would unzip his pants and stroke his penis. I was fascinated how their penises were different than mine. They all had large, circumcised penises that were both longer and thicker than mine. I came to the realize that mine was so much smaller and skinnier plus I was uncircumcised, so it looked rather pathetic. Something I have been very sensitive about my entire life.

After watching for a little while I would go back to my room because it would not be long before they went up to her room. I would lay on my bed listening to them whispering then soft moaning would come through the thin walls. As soon as I heard the bed start to squeak and the headboard band against the wall, I made a habit of peeking through their partially opened bedroom door watching them I bed. It was then that I was becoming very aware that I was fantasizing about men’s penises and about being the “woman” not the aggressor male.  noticed that almost every one of her boyfriends liked to have sex differently. I enjoyed it the most when they had sex in the missionary position. I envisioned that I was the one on their back with my legs spread and being kissed and fucked.

My yearnings were beginning to develop and change, with it brought considerable confusion and at times angst.