Early Years at School (Chapter 3)

 

With my dad now less and less in the picture the atmosphere around the house was much less tense. He was often away for weeks at a time and when he came home if was often on a Friday evening, he then would spend the weekend golfing and then on Monday morning he was away on business again.  Those were always a very tense few days and I remember my parents having many heated discussions.

This was a time rather than my mother merely guiding me towards diapers and feminine attire I was now keenly interested in all things feminine and babyish. On top of feeling safe and secure while dressed up I also began to feel the stirrings of sexual desire. I would often have erections while I was dressed up and I was always touching myself when I was alone.

My frequent wetting was definitely stress induced and with no stress at home my diaper wearing was not required during the day while at home or out but when I went to school my mom still put me into a cloth diaper and plastic pants. While the novelty of teasing me at school wore off most of the boys and over time the instigators moved away, and life was not quite as horrible.

Erin and I continued to be friends in fact she really was my only true friend while I was attending Elementary School.  I really did enjoy spending time with her and doing things girls would do in terms of playing and helping around the house. I was becoming very evident that I did not relate or feel comfortable with traditional boy roles and forms of play.

It was about six months to a year into our friendship we began to occasionally have sleep overs. It was that first time I learned that Erin was also a bed wetter and wore diapers and plastic pants under her night gown. It now makes sense why she befriended be and did not ever comment about my diapers. She too was a diaper wearer. That first sleep over she told me that she was wearing diapers under her nightgown. I remember not feeling like a freak for the first time in my life.  We would have sleep overs a couple of weekends a month and it was during one I discovered from the dance outfits in Erin’s closet that she was active in ballet and square dancing. I immediately fell in love with the huge petticoats and ruffled dresses along with her tutus, leotards and tights.  She even coaxed me into wearing one not that I needed any coaxing.  The next day I asked my mom if in addition to my piano lessons I could join ballet and square dancing with Erin.

I remember my mother being very happy about my choice and within a week I was attending my first square dance class. I could not have been happier because all the kids were very nice, and the boys were like me; they were insecure around the girls and for a lack of a better words they were geeks just like me. From the very first class what had me in heaven were the big puffy crinolines the girls wore under their dresses. I was so happy when my mom picked me up, I told her all about the nice girls and boys and then she asked out of the blue,

     “Did you like the girl’s pretty dresses?”

I nodded and just kept going on telling her about what we did and learned as we drove home. A few days later my mom called me into her bedroom because she wanted to talk to me about something. She sat beside me and explained to me that not all boys are like the other boys in school or in our neighborhood just like not all girls are the same. Many girls do not like doing the normal girlish things like playing with dolls, wearing dresses, baking, they like to play rough like boys, dress like boys, etc. Our society accepts that and because it is perfectly acceptable, and we call them “tomboys”.

She went on to say that the same sort of feelings and interests happens with boys and even grown men. Society expects all boys and men to be tough and manly by playing sports, acting tough, being interested in cars and tools, the list goes on and on. However not all boys or men have those interests which is quite alright. In fact, many men love to do and enjoy the types of things that women traditionally do like cooking, cleaning, caring for children, designing and sewing clothing, etc. again society is okay with that. It goes even farther because some boys and men feel more comfortable and love dressing like girls and women because they enjoy the feeling of the soft clothing, and it makes them feel happier and more in touch with their real feelings.

I nodded my head but didn’t say anything mostly because I didn’t know what to say or really how I felt. I just knew that I preferred acting and dressing like a girl.

She told me that our society does not feel as comfortable with boys and men dressing and acting like girls or women, there is no equivalent word for “tomboy” other than “sissy” which is not quite as nice.

She flat out asked me if I would  like to dress like a little girl while you are at home? Mommy does not mind at all; I would still dress like a boy at school and most of the time when we went out but there would be times that I could dress up like a little girl. She warned me that I would be teased but she would always make sure it was okay that I could be out in girl clothing.

 

I recall looking down in embarrassment but at the same time having mixed feelings relief. As I grew a little older, I started to realize that I identified with being a girl and therefore feel like I was different from the other boys my age for being such a wimp and also enjoying when I was dressed up and being diapered. If what my mom said was true, I was not weird. I looked up at my mom as tears started to flow uncontrollably and I started to cry and told her that I would rather be dressed and treated like a girl.

My mom hugged me and reassured me for a long time, I remember for the first time feeling a sense of relief. I then blurted out between my sobs,

 “Can I still wear diapers and baby pants too?”

She did not respond at first and then told me that if I was still having accidents at night and sometimes during the day and It made me feel better I should still be in diapers.

She told me that she would speak to the ballet school and square dance group about my wishes to be dressed like a girl rather than as a boy.                          

Looking back my mom was decades ahead of the rest of society when it came to gender identity and the openness to let our children and adults dress how they identify with themselves rather than strict gender roles.

A few weeks later my mom told me that we would be having a visit from someone who would ask me questions about how I felt about the way I dressed and wanted to act. I remember the lady as being very kind and spoke softly. She came every week or so for many weeks and then a few times a couple of other people came with her.  Many years later I learned that she was a child psychologist, and the others were researching gender identity.

Later that summer my mom told me that I would be starting ballet classes as well as would be able to join the square dance club and that I could be dressed like a girl. Looking back, I can surmise that part of the process of being accepted as a girl was the evaluation by the child psychologist.  My the time the school year arrived my hair had grown quite long being the early 1970’s hair styles were long for boys so it .  not unusual but for ballet she pulled it back into a small bun and for square dance she combed it so that it was straight.

I actually loved ballet, it was very structured and of course I loved wearing the white tights and wither a pink or black leotard. Since I was a beginner, I was with mostly younger girls and there were other boys. Initially the instructor was quite pleasant however she did not take kindly to kids who talked in class or goofed around. One day I was singled out and received a stern talking to. To my horror I wet myself in class and began to cry out of embarrassment. It only was made worse when my mom came in to speak to the instructor and she explained that I had “accidents” if I felt stress or was embarrassed.

The next Saturday my mom laid out my tights and leotard along with a thin cloth diaper and plastic pants. I had a fit and that morning I received a rare spanking from my mother, and she took me to class with a diaper on under my leotard. She reassured me that no one would notice but all the kids did, and I heard lots of giggles, snickers and heard whispers of, “he’s wearing diapers”.

I was embarrassed and by the end of class I was near tears and has wet a few times.  I was required to wear diapers often because my mom’s rule was that if I continued to wet, I would need to stay in a diaper to avoid wetting my leotard. It was literally a Catch-22 the only way for it to stop was not being diapered but the embarrassment and teasing caused me to wet out of shame, so it was a never ending problem.

The square dance youth club was like heaven for me, since it was not close to where Erin and I lived either my mother or hers would take us both there. Within a month my mom had purchased some outfits with coordinating crinolines, petti-pants, tights and shoes. I absolutely loved the feeling of the crinolines as well as how they swished when I moved. The club was primarily girls, and the few boys were there only because their sisters were also members. More often than not the girls all danced with other girls as the male partner and it was a sea of swirling dresses and rustling crinolines.

What I really loved was that I could wear thick diapers under my dress, and no one would be the wiser.  I was really starting to enjoy wearing and wetting diapers. I more importantly I felt sexual stirrings and spent considerable time touching and rubbing myself in my diapers and frilly clothing

In addition to the wonderful feeling of the square dance dresses what I loved about the dance club was that I felt accepted and was not being judged because I wanted to dress like a girl.  My mom also became acquainted  with a few of the parents and it was not long before my mom decided to accept their invitations to come attend their church. My mom was active in our Catholic church and at first she accepted their invitations out of courtesy.

Things began to really change as I reached 7^th grade and my next step was entering High School. The content and happy times with my friend Erin, the Square Dance Club and my innocence were about to change drastically.