The Photo Albums

 In my early 20’s my mother accidently left behind a few small photo albums when she moved. I discovered that I had a sister who appeared to be a few years older than me.  In almost all the photos of me as a baby and toddler I was dressed like a little girl and my mother dressed my sister and I alike in matching outfits and matching frilly dresses.

The photos of my sister began to diminish when she was about 5 years old and I was 3 then there were a few photos of her looking very frail and finally a few photos of her in hospital and her headstone. 

The other albums contained photos of just me all of which I was dressed up as a small girl and always in clothing that was truly little girlish in soft pastels or white and with lots of frills and lace trim. The photos were most plentiful up until I was maybe 6 to 8, I remember her loving to take photos and at the time I did not mind as I grew older, I became more self-conscious about it and there were less and less taken.

I asked my mother about it she had a difficult time discussing her and the whole situation. It was a time of very mixed emotions for me, I learned she had passed from Leukemia. My relationship with my mother began to get strained for many reasons. I resented having this part of my life hidden from me and also in my personal life I started to move away from my sissy interests. I also began to question why I was raised like a little girl and babied. While I enjoyed it at the time and never did fight it I also began to realize that i was not a normal young man in his early 20’s. I had developed few male friendships as my interests were so different and I was not obsessed with girls and sex. At the same time, I still felt more comfortable being around women particularly older women. The younger women I knew felt comfortable around me because I was not threatening or interested in sex. However, I actually was but just was too inexperienced and fearful of how to broach the subject.  I did develop some friendships with older women is a topic for another post.

I eventually reached out to my aunt and asked her about my mom and my sister’s passing. What I discovered was that even when I was a baby my mom treated me and dressed me like a little girl. My mother had confided in her even when I was an infant that she wished I were a little girl that she had no idea how she would raise a son.

Initially my aunt thought it was a mourning phase that my mother was going through and she did not push the issue but as time passed it became a contentious issue whenever they saw each other. I recall that every time we went over to my aunt’s home or when my aunt came to visit my mom would change have me dress in more normal boy’s clothing however, I was always still diapered. My aunt would ask why I was still wearing diapers even though I was already in primary school. My mom would always tell her that I still had accidents during the day. When my aunt would ask me, I would always just meekly nod my head.

Eventually their relationship became more strained they occasionally spoke to the telephone, and I rarely saw my aunt again.